Slow Learner

 

June 24,2024

Hey you.

    A lot has happened since we last spoke. A lot of healing. So much so it was difficult to write. I was wanting to stay in my old voice so I could finish sharing my story. I figure it's irrelevant at this point.I started something called girl gong. It was inspired by my own process. Spaces I have inhabited. Mostly noticing one thing. Anger. I thought I was sad. no, the sadness was an overlying feeling. A feeling which outweighed everything prior only because it was due to recent events. Mourning what I had hoped something would be. Yet again my own disappointment had returned. I had been mourning my own faulty wiring. The ways in which codependency show up. Cyclical self isolation. The belief in which I could not possibly be lovable as the one's who birthed me did so without any intentionality. I wonder if this is worse than bad intent. Love and hate are not opposite ends of the spectrum after all. neither are right or left. 

    I resent my mother who, ironically named me amanda (worthy of love), was and is much less than God. The way she showed up for me then reflects the way I showed up for myself  my entire life. "You're a doormat. Stop letting them walk all over you." no example followed.You see my mother was a doormat too. She showed me how to blame everyone else for my short comings. Something I recently realized, even though I have been told many times, is that we have free will. How do I know what this looks like if I never received the script?

    A mindset of lack is born this way. I actually tracked my thought pattern this past weekend. After the fact, I was able to notice my mood was good in the morning. I went to work, everything was fine. Then I was getting ready to hang out with my friend to do something positive for another person and all of a sudden my mind just flipped to self-pity. Like the snap of a finger. 

You're like "what's a script?"

    Spielman puts it this way:

        "In psychology, a cognitive script is a set of behaviors and instructions that a person uses to remember how to navigate a social situation, whether routine, like ordering at a drive-through, or occasional, like greeting the family at a funeral. Scripts can be naturally acquired through experience and observation, or deliberately taught by agents of socialization."

    See we are born with free will. But in order to have free will I have to respect myself enough to know  I CHOOSE everyday(Ironic considering current political climate but I digress). What I will wake up and do. Wake up and tolerate. Superficial things, like vices, become chains. I bring this up because my mother seeks vices, i have vices I need to cut ties with. Those chains "cast spells" which make us believe we do not have control. That the only answer to combat this cold, grey world is to numb one's mind. To me I interpret naturally occurring mind altering substances as natural pesticides. Something which as it exists, draws the consumer back until it dies or avoids it. A source for this is cited, but do your own research. The mind is a powerful thing and it will latch onto the closest negative thought if you allow it. 

    I sought light. My Mawmaw. While my Mawmaw was a home and shopping body. She did give me some sort of a script. Through her stories of self defense and resilience. She informed me she was a strong woman. My grandmother laughed in the face of cancer. She survived it(Let go let (she says God here)). So while I have had a predominantly negative feeling towards the catholic church and its teachings I DO believe there are things bigger than me. Like Art, Like a group of people which come together with intent.

    You see I seek light, I know things are better, but I self sabotage. While I know light is good and brings positivity I also fear that when I touch it I will burn. A few persons I thought were light were mirrors. Reflecting myself back at me.

    This would make sense as a person expecting pain and a person wanting to deal it operate on the same wave length of emotional intelligence generally. Maybe I did not seek to deal pain, I hurt people in my wanting to avoid confrontation at all as a result: People pleasing Getting into trouble by being TOO kind. Kindimosity. A term I thought was already a term. A form of manipulation often a result of a person operating in the fear or fawn response. This causes harm as it hinders yourself and other's from operating in the best here and now. In order for everyone to progress in the most positive way we have to be able to say "Hey you know. That thing you said hurt my feelings." To which that person should respond," I am so glad you feel safe enough to express that what I said hurt." To take focus off attacking the person and more on critiquing the action. Critique usually gives a person a way to improve.

    At least hypothetically.

    I don't know, maybe it is controlling to believe that would be the response.

    So like what Amanda WHAT was not clicking?  

    I am a visual learner. I had to seek the script visually. I had to allow people in which took idk... My entire life to this point apparently. I had sought the scripts for so long but had been asking the wrong questions. I was asking "what is the issue?" not "How do I get out? How do I not be this way?" 

    I sought different groups, and while they didn't work for me because I needed to focus on something different that's okay. I learned a lot in those groups. Those groups may work for someone else. I don't know how to give back to those groups personally. Except for to maybe help others get there that need to.  Not telling people what they are, but presenting relevant information in the event someone resonates.

    What's the point? I think building community would answer a lot. Not just a community, but a community that communicates clearly, honestly, compassionately and intentionally. A community with a growth mindset. That sounds really cool. It may not be resolving the conflicts over seas, but if we can help people overcome obstacles here, maybe it can resolve things on a larger scale.

    That is the only answer for how fucked everything is that I have. 

    The thing which has been lacking since the 1960s is inner child work basically.

    That is the free thing I am willing to do. 
    Is to hear people.
    In hearing others I hear myself.
    In you hearing me you hear yourself.


    Keep being you 🫀🫀🫀🫀
        Amanda

Sources Cited:

Spielman, R. M., Jenkins, W. J., & Lovett, M. D. (n.d.). 12.2 self-presentation - psychology 2E. OpenStax. https://openstax.org/books/psychology-2e/pages/12-2-self-presentation

NATHANSON*, J. (n.d.). Cocaine as a naturally occurring insecticide. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2321592121