Matters of the Heart

                                      

MATTERS OF THE HEART

                                 "You're not use to driving fast are you?"

A response to the check engine light coming on in my white volkswagon Jetta for the third time in a month. The suggestion being that some pipe or other is clogged because air is not passing through due to the lack of pressure going on in the internal processes. (that or your gas cap is not completely on)

                    The answer? Step on the gas. 

                                             I use to drive fast often.     

That was a long time ago. 

                Those back roads are not the same anymore. 

Those roads thirty minutes south.  

                            The farm house my grandfather invested in when I was born was bought by a new family, demolished. A new one to be built. I understand, It would have been expensive to salvage. But that was centuries of memories. Not only for my own family but others as well. 

                                                                      I can think about this metaphorically in so many different ways. More than anything it reminds me of me. I went for a long walk the other day. I didn't have my daughter so I was able to actually focus on me while walking. I really focused on my posture, as I try to. Focusing on that helps me to not relive instances like being kicked in the skull. When you're reliving atrocities akin to that it can make new input more difficult to process. anyways, there was a lot of like melancholy, in my chest, a very heavy feeling and it went away after that intentional and long walk. 

                                                                                                                            the check engine light went out.

                                                                        Right now I feel very seen by my car..

When I need to slow down, my mind is racing, my foot is not doing the stepping. (sometimes I drive 30 minutes without putting the gas cap on)

                                                The check engine light comes back on.

                                                                                    I feel very silly drawing these conclusions.

                                                                                            some consider it a gift to see these things

                                                                                                                            mind/body connection

                                       I Digress.

               It feels good to be picking me.
It was really scary to pick me.

       Thats okay.

I use to trust everyone before myself.

                        That was a dominant narrative. I am to be watched and not trusted.

I know why. 

            I was pretty and reject a lot of social expectations. 
I was once problematic.

                    Because I know this I have difficulty knowing the right thing is the right thing. 


I do my best to learn and grow.                                                                                                 I always have.

                                                        Yet, I always come back to the theme of perfection. 

                                                                            Another Mother issue I have,

I always want to think I am cured of something like that because I don't actively think about it.

                                                                but there are still ways in which it shows up.

That's okay. 

               

It means I am doing the work. 

     Interpret me how you will.                                        You will never take my authenticity.

                Some think:

 oh I thought about the trauma really hard one time and now I'm cured.

Oh I AM IN THERAPY I AM CURED AND YOU SHOULD BE IN THERAPY TOO.

Therapy does not signify a person is healing at all. That could be how you're getting your psych degree for all I know. at least this is how it appears in some individuals. 

I can show up to school high and put my earbuds in. am I learning? no.

Spaces occupied signify nothing. 

All of this to say:

I am grateful that I have committed myself to my growth. That today the question is "how hard do I press on the gas?" and no longer "Should I even get in the car?" 

Someone threw my bones and said my ancestors were proud of me. my living family have said so. so this piece felt fitting.