We're a happy family, We're a happy family, Me, Mom and Dad

 

    I like to say I've been smoking since before I can remember. A habit I learned earlier in life. My health teacher in middle school told our class that exposure to second hand smoke leaves the recipient also addicted to nicotine, can have minor withdrawals when not in the environment. 

    The girl you see in the photo loved food. One of her crowning achievements was being able to eat an entire frozen pizza by herself. This is one photo she actually looks happy. She didn't know about the effects of second hand smoke. She just loved being home and spending time with her mom who was always busy or preoccupied. 

    Since before I can remember I've loved The Ramones. Music in general really, but my relationship to and understanding of The Ramones has evolved as I have. My mother's favorite story is of me getting kicked out of daycare for singing "Beat On The Brat" on the playground. I was a child who was very much into entertaining themself. Held back in preschool for not playing with the other children. This was an interesting decision considering a lack of any other issues. I read to myself when I got into trouble. I would teach myself to tie my shoes. Other children were not allowed to play with puzzles unless I was present. During this time I was also curious. My first interaction with weed paraphernalia was finding my mother's dug out when trying to find makeup/ jewelry to play with.

Why is this cigarette empty? I asked

Put It away and never go through my things again, My mother responded.

     I became old enough to play with the children on my street. Bullied for having brown hair and looking "dirty". I was tan because I was outside all the time. This bullying got to the point of severe body shaming and being held underwater when trying to leave a neighbor's pool while we were playing one day. 

    If you ever wanted to know my artistic origin story, here you go. I started watching anime after my parents went to bed. Copied characters and then it grew to trying to draw people. When mother's attention became strictly focused on the pursuits of alcohol. I was in the second grade. Sitting at the end of the table inside of Mr. G's convenience store she would look at a picture of musicians she admired and draw them. Hoping that if she drew them well enough someone might pay more attention to her. That's when becoming an artist became more of an obsession than this is fun and I am entertaining myself. I wanted to make sure my parents were taken care of, my mother was very open about financial struggles, and I wanted my mother to be proud of me.

    My mother's eyesight grew worse(as you know from the previous post), the men at Mr.G's would make sexually inappropriate comments, but the trips continued for the span of probably six or seven years. Eventually instead of hopping in the car with mom to make sure she didn't wreck we had to walk. After we moved, during summer days we would walk to the corner store. I would carry the twenty four pack home. In the evenings is when we went to Mr. G's. One night it had snowed and there was ice settling on the ground. My mother fell and I thought it was so funny.

    I didn't have a lot of control in this dynamic. Eventually, in front of my mom or when she went to the restroom I stole a cigarette. I went to the bathroom and taught myself to smoke. I'm not going to lie, the first time actually inhaling nicotine will make a person physically sick. 

    My father had to work two jobs, one to sustain five people the other trying to build up his personal business. Everyone said he was overqualified for them. My parents relationship was kind of falling apart. We couldn't afford my mother's habit and my mother refused to quit. Although I'm not sure what a blind person could do to entertain themself. At home I tried to intervene. Those efforts were futile, I wound up hurt or not attending school the next day as a result.

    During this time I spent copious amount of energy cultivating my own inner world. Running to and escaping by hanging out with my grandmother every weekend she would allow me to. There are vivid memories of moving my bed in front of my bedroom door and blaring music so I couldn't hear what was happening and so I wouldn't get involved. 

     I acted out a lot and got into trouble because I didn't know how to cope with my home life. I was in the 8th grade. Mickey Leigh must have just written "I slept with Joey Ramone." My favorite book. My Grandma bought it for me, I don't think she knew who Joey Ramone was. She was just happy to see me read. My 8th grade book report was on it. I related to Joey. He acted out, I acted out. He didn't fit in, I didn't fit in. His family had issues. My family had similar issues. I flipped off my middle school assistant principal. I left after school detention. Once I got into trouble for not letting someone dump milk on my head by smacking it out of their hand. In high school I smoked cigarettes on school property during lunch breaks, even in the bathroom at one point. I still feel like it's all my fault, it still affects me in my relationships today. I think if I have a feeling or if I disagree or feel like something is wrong I will be harmed or abandoned. Like my presence it not good enough. I am bad. These are all false.

    In my healing journey I've had to first off, cut off my mom. I've expressed not once not twice but over a dozen times via text and in person to her face how her drinking has impacted me. She says I am sorry and just like with accepting being an alcoholic, that's where it stops. I think my father does not understand that I have cut her off and don't want to be around her. secondly I have to remember the good parts. To believe there is a good thing in me because as much as I may fight it my parents are what made me. For me I still hold onto my mother's love of music. This is my attachment to The Ramones. Gabba-Gabba, we accept you, we accept you, one of us. 

“Children of Alcoholics: Growing up with an Alcoholic Parent.” American Addiction Centers, 31 Aug. 2023, americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/children.

YouTube, YouTube, 2 Apr. 2022, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyrpL8oruDA&t=524s. Accessed 3 Dec. 2023.