Suicidal Thoughts
December 24th 2023
It is the end of the year and a day I usually dread. Usually. A day which should be filled with joy and laughter typically ruined by a male I viewed too highly. I am still thinking about the concept of running away. This year I have successfully rummaged through my apartment to purge of all the things which no longer serve me. Giving most if not all away to happy homes for free this next week while I am off. When you read the rest of this post hopefully I have purged much of my sadness in spirit enough for you to understand why most of the time I prefer not to gain anything monetary for my belongings. I think for me it is an act of repentance to take a step closer to my own mental heaven.
Next year, next fall to be exact it will be ten years since I took my ex's father up on the "when is she moving in?" offer. Packed my shit, no notice to my parents, abandoned my cat and moved into a shitty trailor behind the red carpet restaurant. At least I had taken it as an offer. At first it was fine, I just continued to attend Walton-Verona High School. He would drive from Williamstown. I would show up right after smoking a blunt in the Kroger parking lot every day and my "guidance counselor" or whatever you want to call her would greet me making a statement about my nice smell. This was when weed was still treated pretty close to as harshly as cocaine or heroin. This driving lasted about a month before I transferred to Williamstown High School. If I remember properly he couldn't afford the gas. My partner at the time kept talking about abundant opportunity for him to make money for his daughter(he was charged with child support) in North Dakota with his little weed buddy. This guy still had visitation rights, still had everything going for him as far as participating in his daughter's life. I was however, 18, my brain underdeveloped and fully altered consciousness for about two years at this point. This felt legitimate to me. One day I was panicking at school after actually getting in trouble for smoking a cigarette on the school property. I think I spent a Friday in alternative schooling for this while simultaneously learning my design back home was turned into the senior t shirt. A guy in so many of my classes and who was bullied by our gym teacher basically for being fat and insecure as a result not wanting to take a shower had committed suicide. People back home were not allowed to mourn the way they felt appropriately as it was seen as glorifying suicide. I couldn't be present for anything or talk to anyone because I was isolated. Even with a cellphone my ex's mother acted as a secondary prison guard asking why I would go for a walk while my ex was at work when I just wanted to get a fountain pop from the corner store. So after severe anxiety reached a peak and I was gifted a xanax from my ex's mom's prescription (She sold them she didn't care). I wrote down a pros and cons list. I came across it this weekend.
We continued working at Kroger. I picked up morning shifts. The old man in the union kept giving me twenty bucks which my ex later revealed to me was because he liked "watching me walk away" AKA I had a nice ass. A lot of weirdos working at Kroger referred to me as jail bait or wanted to befriend me. My ex had a belief men only wanted to be my friend to fuck me. This made sense and did for a long time. Either way my ex still went to that old man on sweetest day to ask for 20$ and bought me roses. I thought it was sweet he found a holiday like that important. Three weeks before Christmas we put in our two weeks. I just quit showing up. one day I got multiple calls asking where I was. I just ignored it. I believe one day during my off period his ex girlfriend came over. Walked in the cold from Dry Ridge to Williamstown, came inside while we were having a going away party with his friends and really thought she was going to lay hands on me. See in her eyes I was a home wrecker. In my eyes the home had already ended before I came into the picture. She touched me with one finger on the nose, my ex and his friend grabbed her. I don't particularly know or remember the details to the entire situation as I fled to the bathroom to freak out. I was very anti birth control, as you can imagine after witnessing my mother go insane on one. I eventually had to because pills were free through the clinic my ex took me to however, condoms were not. We were pretty poor because we literally just bought weed, bare minimum took care of his daughter aka bought diapers, and were saving to leave.
At some point during this period I also got my first tattoo. The yin yang. I picked it out of a tattoo book. We went for five hours. Almost got the yellow and white in there. I started to go into shock and bleeding profusely. This man was on meth.
The week before Christmas we packed our things. I had to leave my cat behind but my ex was allowed to bring his. I kept discussing maybe quitting smoking cigarettes. He didn't smoke and was worried for my health, sweet, but then refused to buy me a pack of cigarettes one our way to North Dakota.
The trip up was insane to me honestly. First of all he refused to buy cigarettes, but bought cigars neglecting to inform me you don't inhale. I got sick. He expected me to know how to give directions when I never left my home town before just from listening to the GPS. Let's just say I know now at 27 how to pay attention to a GPS. We got lost at 12 or 1 in the morning somewhere in Wisconsin. He had me get out of the car alone at a sketchy restaurant to ask for directions. I just kept puking and begging for cigarettes. It didn't happen. Finally the sun was coming up we were in flat land nothing but white and a single tree on either side of the road every mile. We finally got to my ex's friend's apartment where we planned to live on an air mattress for a month. This is where I had Little Ceasers for the first time. We got cross faded and the night we arrived my ex and his friend got into a fight over something unimportant. The cops were called. There was blood all over the bathroom and both were taken into custody. Anything weed related was confiscated. This doesn't happen very much in Kentucky, however the police were responding to my own freaking out witnessing the scene. I didn't sleep very well that night.
The next morning the two were released and I slept through the million phone calls. I am unsure why my ex thought I would drive in a place I was unfamiliar in severe conditions when I had only driven in the summer. He was pretty upset about it. I did however, learn in the few first days that there was a pawn shop up the street. I got my pack of cigarettes. He was upset about that. Over the next month we were building ourselves up. We got a job at his friend's job Wood Products. The weed up there seemed to only come from Canada. It was also more expensive so to offset costs we made weed butter putting it into snicker doodles so the high lasted longer. It was the best thing I thought I had ever ate so I couldn't stop eating it. He got pissed about that too. After a couple weeks we were settled into the job and I'm not sure what it was about my ex but he could sniff a stoned from a mile away and quickly we were smoking blunts on our lunch breaks. We couldn't afford to eat though. I was progressively getting more and more sick. I would come back from lunch and vomit. I couldn't do the basic tasks. I was suppose to match cabinets to the drawer fronts based on what they looked like. The color, the wood markings had to match it was so insane. So I was put into the back counting metal bolts and nuggets, putting them into little plastic baggies. Watching my friends back home do the normal senior things I would look out the back window and bawl my eyes out. Everyday I would come home and have to take a bath. My body just hurt. I can't explain it, I was only 18 and my body felt 80 years old.
I continued getting sick. It was a normal occurance for me. Our finances were going up. We got our own three bedroom apartment we had a T.V. stand with a fire place in it a giant 4k television, brand new sectional, getting mimosa drunk every weekend morning. After changing my address I got an SSI check for my mom. I cashed it. I couldn't stop going for walks in the extreme cold with the backdrop of:
"I know my mother wished she got a fucking abortion
She don't even love me like she did when I was younger(Get a hold of yourself How I felt didn't really matter. He also had this knack of somehow meeting dealers. like this guy literally gave us a couple ounces because he was about to reup or something. after a couple months the party was over. no more party buses. no more extravagance. We received a call about my ex's daughter getting punched in the head by her mother's boyfriend and doing nothing about it. We thought we would legally be represented. we weren't. My ex's parents came up to help us get our shit together to move back. That weekend we had another going away party. The police were called again over the smell of weed. My ex's friend was there, answered the door, informed us who was there and I somehow had the wits to take our large glass jar and run it back to our room. The police were so confused about what a hookah is it was kind of funny. They thought it was the bong. I was in the kitchen on the floor somewhere there is body cam footage of me rocking back and fourth on the ground. They couldn't technically find anything in the main area everyone was located at so they couldn't do anything really. I called my grandfather to bail me out. My grandparents had been saving money for me since I was a child for me to go to college. I think I spent it all during this period of my life. Luckily we left when we did because the friends we made up there were trying to start making meth. We left the landlord with a bed covered in vomit and a lot to clean up. Eventually called me to threaten legal action. I don't think anything came from that.
Anyways back in Williamstown we were trying to get custody of my ex's daughter. I couldn't stop smoking weed. I wasn't eating enough, wasn't shitting enough, so it wasn't coming out of my system. So every time my drug test came back it was a no. This lasted probably a month, maybe two until the tattoo artist on meth told me you could pass a drug test by eating a denture mint, drinking a galloon of water and made me a secret vitamin and orange juice mixture which made me not look like I was diluting my pee. His parents moved out of the trailer so we could move in and get custody because my ex's dad was a felon for a violent crime and they both smoked pot.
We got custody. Over night the mother got the custody. My ex started working at amazon. Night shift. I tried getting a job. I worked at burger king for a week, was sexually harassed by the manager during the interview. He asked me to stand up and turn around three times then proceeded to tell me my pants were inappropriate and we couldn't have customers screaming in the window "Hey hot ass!" I worked a shift. My ex was too tired to pick me up so I want to his brother's baby momma's boyfriend's house. They were doing coke at like 10 A.M. I was scheduled to work a shift with my manager and I just didn't show up. I started walking the streets with a mason jar filled with mountain dew and whatever liquor we had. I was actively seeking trouble at this point.
We got his daughter more frequently after a few months of court stuff and supervised visits with a CPS worker. I think his cat was jealous and I was not only going crazy smoking weed, unemployed, I was also on the pill. I The cat scratched the baby in her bed and I chased him around the trailer with baseball bat. One of the women whom my ex's mother sold xannies to asked me to baby sit a child so her friend could go to her bridal shower. She would pay. This kid was weird. I wanted to sleep seperately, the parents were taking forever, the child kept trying for closeness. I was like bro what the fuck no. I don't know you. The mother finally came back. A week went by. no payment. two weeks went by. No payment. Finally I walked up the street to her house to request payment. I watched her send her daughter to the door. I got my ex's mother to stop selling pills to her. My ex's mom was kind and gave me the money making it a debt to the customer. I started working for my grandparent's cleaning their house. Upstairs there was a jar with 20 $ in it. I kept noticing it until finally I just took it because we needed weed.
We started selling. The guy we sold for had a corgi he was getting rid of. We took the corgi not knowing of some medical conditions. The dog started shitting in the bed. I didn't know what to do about it so I would let it outside without a collar. No supervision. We eventually took it to the pound. Over the summer I met a girl named Chy. She is no longer with us, but she was in recovery and a diabetic. I wrote her letters everyday while she was in rehab. Gave her clothes when she got out. We smoked together and she pierced my ear. She was the only friend I felt I had that I was allowed to have a relationship with that wasn't my ex. The following photos she took.
After meeting Chy I was inspired to bleach my hair and dye it pink, chop it off. so I did. Luna was in my care, I was alone without a car and I was smoking too much weed. There was bleach on the side of the bath tub and she wound up grabbing it and swallowing it. I panicked and called my ex's parents to come help. They did but this experience still haunts me to this day. The pain I caused another, especially one so pure. I have difficulty living with myself for that.
My ex and I would fight, I didn't find it appropriate to fight in front of his daughter so I would run out of the trailer and hide on the side. literally the habits I developed when I was young. My ex destroyed my belongings just throwing stuff at walls. Threw me around into the couch knocking it backwards. Onto the bed. He didn't hit me, just everything around me. To leave I had to sneak out while he was asleep. I made a plan with my older brother. He was exhausted after working a night shift. I kissed him good bye as he laid there passed out and left in broad daylight.
I went back to high school. I was applying to colleges. I started working at McDonalds. They bitched about my pink hair so I dyed it a blueish black. They hated that too. I started getting close to my older brother's friend who lived in a van and rekindled things with my best friend. We would smoke weed in my best friend's shed every day after school. When I went home I'd go to the van and smoke bong residue with my brother's friend. We talked about life, plans, what we wanted. California sounded cool. Jim Morrison made that so. Living out of a van on a beach. One day, I believe it was February my ex texted me and said he wanted to talk to me. It was his birthday. So I did. He picked me up, he had a blunt. He talked about inability to sleep. Hallucinating that I was there. A lot of things trying to get me back. Slowly but surely he did.
He was still in the trailer. I would miss work to do acid during spring break. It caused severe panic and if you've ever had sex while on acid, for me it was not fun. he ordered pizza and answered the door with his penis out. My ex's friend fucked with me saying " Once you think it's over, it's not over." My mom called and one thing you do while on acid is not look at your phone. Especially at things that cause severe anxiety. The second acid trip we did at night. The neighbors started threatening us, sicking their dog on us to kill us, called the police. Over a period he moved into where his parents lived. we met an actual plug. We started moving bricks and experimenting with other things like Molly. Some times if someone wanted acid they would drive. One guy said he couldn't drive without doing molly. My first time doing molly they said I looked like I had done it before. I don't know why I felt this was a compliment. I would stay on the weekends. anxiety continued to get higher. My ex met my new friends. Starting the cycle he started with me with a girl that was like 15. It was during this time I got my septum pierced in the dark by an apprentice (also on meth) learning how to pierce off youtube. My ex ruined my graduation. to apologize he bought a laptop and roses with my money and brought it to my parents. We had to go get a brick before the ceremony. He did a line of whatever was on the side of the dealer's table. didn't interact with my parents and when we got back to my parents house to celebrate he sat in his car. a couple weeks later I asked for a sign. I went to the bar my mother went to. My grandma who never shows up showed up. I can't remember what she said but it was significant at the time. I went to his place to get some things and it smelt like some serious cleaning fluid. I was done after that.
Within a month I learned I was pregnant. I already knew what I had to do. My grandfather helped me pay for the abortion. My brother and his friend went with me. Although my brother's friend was supportive of whatever decision I made. We started dating pretty quickly. I don't think I had a high school sweet hear but if I did it was probably him. I named the baby Francis Hazel and promised myself if I got pregnant again it was meant for me to be a mother. I carried the burden of the abortion and took my actions and choices very seriously. this may just be a result of catholic trauma.
Frida Kahlo became my best friend and over the course of about a month I did my first serious painting. It revolved around the dehumanization I experienced over the course of two years leading to my first major choice that I had to make as an adult.
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